I feel like trash. I feel like I’ve had so many shots at grace it’s over, and there is no chance for redemption for me. I feel like trash. It’s like I keep shoving the nails into the cross.
I feel like trash.

(via beauty-from-ashes)

Am I proud of how fit I’ve become? Yes, Yes I am. Am I proud of all the weight I’ve lost? YES I am!!!! :) Am I proud of losing all the cellulite on my legs, tightening my tummy, and being able to lift weight like a boss? 

You bet :)

High Expectations

Maybe I always held too high of an opinion of myself, and now that the world is knocking that presumption out of my hands, it’s a cold and hard reality check. 

I always thought I would go places and do things, like people expected of me. They expected me to be using my “talents”, the way I could get on stage and give a beautiful and profound speech, the way I could turn into another person like magic in plays, the way I could write fantastical stories with intricate plots and storylines. 

I just had so much higher expectations for myself. Not that this nursing path isn’t a blessing… 

I just feel… I feel like I dissapointed God. I feel like I have done so much wrong and been so hateful and horrible, that maybe he regrets the promise of “I will always forgive you.” I wouldn’t want to forgive me if it were reversed. I’m not worthy or deserving of any blessings or anything. 

Sometimes I feel like I would be better off dead before I can do anything else wrong. 

My self esteem is just so low… I have no friends. I have Jarod, but even he doesn’t really have time for me. Which is okay. We’re not exactly two peas in a pod, but at least he acknowledges I exist. I can’t blame anyone else for not being super friendly with me. I’ve never done anything but push people away or ruin things. 

It’s been a long time since I’ve truely been this depressed. I don’t know what to do. I feel so alone and sad, and I can’t pull myself out of this hole. I don’t have anybody that guides me or gives me any good spiritual advice… The one person who is supposed to be there for me doesn’t do anything besides tell me to get happy. It doesn’t just work like that. It’s easy for him. He’s never had anything bad happen to him, he doesn’t live with the constant nightmares, the constant reminders of all of the death and bad things that have happened. 

I’m really just feeling sorry for myself but it feels good to get it off my chest. 

agirlchangingtheworld:

John 10:28

jesusbrokemychains:

Please (:

(Source: uwontbelieveveureyes, via mystandards)

“I want to be a woman who lives totally abandoned to the first commandment: to love my Lord, my God, with all my heart. I don’t want the reputation that I love God, I don’t want to write songs about loving God, I don’t want to talk about loving God. I want to actually love God. When I close my eyes, I want my heart to move. When I close my eyes and I look at Him, I want to feel alive on the inside. I want to look at Him with a fire in my heart and it’s real.”

I want to feel this way again…

(via keepcalmanddieton)